Page Created 16 March 1996
Page Added to 6 April 1996
Spelling, Chequer Nose Best
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pee see
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss takes I cannot sea
Ive run this poem threw it
Im shore yaw pleased to no
Its letter perfect in its weigh
My chequer told me sew
Witch demonstrates that ewe cannot
always auto mate every thing and that wee
rely on those language skills we were tort
at school to proof reed yore mess ages
Wishful thinking for DOS.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesnt DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!
THOSE FUNNY PEOPLE AT MICROSOFT
By David Ives - The Canberra Times
The People at Microsoft really are amazing. After all the rubbish they have had to tolerate - such as investigations by the US Justice Department and really critical articles in The Canberra Times - the guys and girls at Redmond still have a sense of humour. These one-liners came out of Microsoft and all I can say is: Thanks people. Although, on second thoughts, they probably dont know Ive got them. And, on third thoughts, they probably dont give a stuff.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate, mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
The information went data way
The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The name is Baud...James Baud.
C: \> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesnt DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting
CONGRESS.sys. Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computers attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment:- Covet not thy neighbours Pentium
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found...Out Of Memory...
Whos General Failure & whys he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS. Come in DOS, do you copy?
Shell to DOS ...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
Help! Im modeming ... and I cant hang up!!!
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press Fl to continue.
640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates.
1981 DOS Tip 17: add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFlG.SYS
Press any key - no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Excuse me for butting in, but Im interruptdriven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?--7/8
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but Im still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press Fl to belch.
Back-up not found.- (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Back-up not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
Back-up not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers dont die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer: a red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers dont document.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
DAVID IVES
Proper Care of Floppies
Remember - Office Humour
I think we should all pay attention to the following:
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using (see item 2 above).
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
P.S.. Only Kidding
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
ARTERY - - - - - - - - - The Study of Paintings BACTERIA - - - - - - - Back Door of a Cafeteria BARIUM - - - What Doctors Do When Patients Die BOWEL - - - - - A Letter Like A. E. I. 0 or U. CAESARIAN SECTION - - - A Neighbourhood in Rome CAT SCAN - - - - - - - - - Searching for Kitty CAUTERISE - - --- - - Made Eye-Contact With Her COMA - - - - - - - - - - - - A Punctuation Mark D & C - - - - - - - - - - - Where Washington Is DILATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - To Live Longer ENEMA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Friend FESTER - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Quicker FIBULA - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Lie GENITAL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Not A Jew G. I. SERIES - - - - - - - - A Soldier Ballgame HANGNAIL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Coat Hook IMPOTENT - - - - - - Distinguished, Well-Known LABOUR PAIN - - - - - - - Getting Hurt At Work MEDICAL STAFF - - - - - - - - - - Doctors Cane MORBID - - - - - - - - --- - - - A Higher Offer NITRATES - - - - - - - - Cheaper Than Day Rates NODE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Was Aware Of OUTPATIENT - - - - - - A Person Who Has Fainted PAP SMEAR - - - - - - - - - - A Fatherhood Test PELVIS - - - - - - - - - - - A Cousin To Elvis RECOVERY ROOM - - - - - Place To Do Upholstery RECTUM - - - - - - - - - Bloody Near Killed Them SECRETION - - - - - - - - - - Hiding Something SEIZURE - - - - - - - - - - - - - Roman Emperor TABLET - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Small Table TERMINAL ILLNESS - - Getting Sick At The Airport TUMOUR - - - - - - - - - - - - - More Than One URINE - - - - - - - - - Opposite Of Youre Out VARICOSE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Nearby VEIN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Conceited
Colourful Language
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO SUMMARISE WHAT HAPPENED IN A FEW WORDS FOR INSURANCE FORMS? THE FOLLOWING ARE TRUE STATEMENTS TAKEN FROM THE FORMS AND PRINTED IN THE TORONTO NEWS.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The car was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I was shopping for plants all day and was on my way home . As I reached an intersection a hedge sprung up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper-bar of the parked car in front, I hit the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
I told the police I was not injured but in removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow moving old faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of the car.
I was thrown from my car as it lost the road. It was found in a ditch by some cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck the front end of my car.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passenger then left immediately for vacation with injuries.
PERSONAL ASSESSMENT:
Glossary of Terms
Term Definition
Judgement is usually sound Lucky
Takes pride in his work Conceited
Forceful and aggressive Argumentative
Conscientious Scared
Strong adherence to principles Stubborn
Zealous attitude Opinionated
Quick thinking Offers plausible excuses
for mistakes
Tactful in dealing with supervisors Knows when to keep mouth
shut
Gets on well with supervisors Gutless
Approaches difficult situations with
enthusiasm Delegates
Takes advantage of every opportunity
to progress Entertains senior officers
Keen sense of humour Vast repertoire of
dirty jokes
Unlimited potential Wont progress
beyond basic grade
Exceptionally well qualified Has committed no major blunders
Shows initiative Covers for bosses mistakes
Demonstrates qualities of leadership Talks too much
A keen analyst Makes mountains out of
molehills
Indifferent to instructions Knows more than his
controlling officer
Active socially Drinks heavily
Spouse is active socially Spouse also drinks
Character and integrity beyond reproach Has not been found out
Expresses himself, well Speaks English
Spends hours on the job Miserable home life
Average officer Not very bright
Slightly below average Stupid
Has potential But not much else
Good staff relations Too friendly with the
opposite sex
Mature Retires next year
Immature Still plays cricket
Would benefit from wider experience Get rid of the bastard
NO PROBLEM!!!!
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With every order over $300, you automatically receive a collapsible baton - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
Order now, and receive absolutely FREE, the Lorena Boobitt Home Castration Kit - (sex crazed husband not included)Courtesy The Canberra Runner
CONSULTANTS CORNER
CANT COMPLAIN - THINGS ARENT SO BADThe following Rules and Conditions appeared on the office notice board of a Burnley (UK) cotton mill in 1852.
1. Godliness, cleanliness and punctuality are the necessities of good business.
2. The firm has reduced the hours of work, and the staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 7am and 6pm on weekdays.
3. Daily prayers will be held each morning in the main office. The staff will be present.
4. Clothing must be of a sober nature. The staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colours, nor will they wear hose, unless in good repair.
5. Overshoes and top-coats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.
6. A stove is provided for the benefit of the staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the staff bring 4 pound of coal each day during cold weather.
7. No member of the staff may leave the room without the permission of Mr Dickson. The calls of nature are permitted and staff may use the garden below the second gate. This area must be kept in good order.
8. No talking is allowed during business hours.
9. The craving of tobacco, wines or spirits is a human weakness and, as such, is forbidden to all members of staff.
10. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11.30am and noon, but work will not, on any account, cease.
11. Members of the staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available, on application to Mr Dickson.
12. Mr Dickson will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the private office, and all boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers, and will remain after closing for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers and soap are provided by the owners.
13. The new increased weekly wages are as hereunder detailed: Junior Boys (up to 11 years) ls. 4d; Boys (to 14 years) 2s. ld.; Juniors 4s. 8d.; Junior Clerks 8s. 7d.; Clerks 10s. 9d.;
Senior Clerks (after 15 years with the owners) 21s.The owners recognise the generosity of the new Labour Laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near utopian conditions.
THE HAGUE
2 APR 1987
UNAUTHORISED INDOOR PLANTS
1. Complaints have been received from the contractor responsible for supplying and caring for officially-provided indoor plants that they are having difficulty recognizing their own plants due to the proliferation of privately owned vegetation. Addition, tests have shown that a significant part of the oxygen which the contractor had expected would be available for the healthy growth of his plants is being consumed by privately owned ones.
2. Complaints have also been received from supervisors who are having difficulty finding their subordinates in their self-cultivated jungle settings and from union officials concerned for the safety of those members who either cannot afford their own machete or who lack the strength to use one.
3. Finally, and most importantly, independent tests have proved conclusively that there have been attempts by privately owned plants to co-habit with official ones. The risk of highly-infectious herbivorous herpes has already reached an unacceptable level.
4. With effect 1 April 87, all privately owned plants are to be removed from Patent Office premises. The only exceptions are:
a. those plants which are less than 6mm high and which consume less than 0.16 milliampules of oxygen per calendar month;
b. have been inoculated against herbivorous herpes since 13 Feb 87, and
c. are of markedly different shape, size, colour and texture to the standard public servant.
(GREG GREEN)
OIC POT PLANTS
1 April 1987
TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy:-
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavour to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK.?? To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks. While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.
The Management
THE OFFICE HUMOUR BOOK
THE BLACKMAN When Im born Im BLACK When I grow up Im BLACK When Im sick Im BLACK When I die Im BLACK AND YOU! .... WHITE MAN When youre born youre PINK When you grow up youre WHITE When youre sick youre GREEN When you go into the sun youre RED When youre cold youre BLUE When you die you go purple AND YOU HAVE THE BLOODY CHEEK TO CALL ME COLOURED
Mac Language
From Apples own literature, whose word processing programme is called Mac Write, there is also Mac Paint and Mac Draw and Mac Terminal, the following is a sampling of Mac Language.
Mac Adam - that was really the first one. Mac Coy - the real thing (served with Coke). Big Mac - 40 kg model. Mac Aroni - Italian model. Mac Au - Chinese model. Mac Ro Biotic - Vegetarians model. Mac Call - Fashion model. Mac Ho - with Zapata moustache and leather jock strap. Mac Arthy - Anti-Communist model. Mac Iavellian - Cunning model. Mac lsmo - He-mans model. Mac Inaw - dont care if it rains or freezes. Mac Edonia - Mafia model. Mac Meow - Bitches model. Mac MacMac - Duck breeders model. Mac Quack - Medicos model. Mac Arthur - for round tables. Mac Donald - Agricultural model (signs on with E I E I O!). Mac K - Pimps model. Mac Adamia - will drive you nuts Mac Aque - you cant make a monkey out of me. Mac Aroon - Almond-coloured model (served with biscuits). Mac Rame - will tie you in knots. Mac Mammary - A breast of the times! Mac Ectomy - a gutless wonder.From Electronics Today International.
SICK LEAVE
A New South Wales (State?) public servant put together a list over recent years of written reasons given by fellow workers for taking sick leave. He claims these samples as being correct:
Apses in face. Blocked station tubes. Bowel construction. Direa. Early stages of parking disease. Ernia. Expectorant mother. Flew. Gasbag inside. General cheque. Migrant headaches. Miscourage. Missiles. Momps. Nerfs. Removal of averies. Rivetted uterus. Stomach Unconfinement. Texticle disorder. Undescended tenticles. Virginal repairs. Virus new mania. Wog.(Source: the On the Inside column, The Sun Herald, 23 September 1984)
ENGLISH AS SHE IS WRIT
Extracts from letters received by the UK Welfare Department from applicants for aid:
I am writing to say my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children - can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake, as you will see.
Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon, I will he forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
My children were born: two by my first husband, one by my second husband, the other three I had by myself.
INDISPENSABLE?
Sometime, when youre feeling important, Sometime, when your ego is in bloom, Sometime, when you take it for granted, Youre the best qualified in the room. Sometime when you feel that your going, Would leave an unfillable hole, Just follow this simple instruction, And see how it humbles your soul. Take a bucket and fill it with water, Put your hand in it, up to the wrist; Pull it out and the hole thats remaining, Is a measure of how youll be missed. You may splash all you please when you enter, You can stir up the water galore, But stop, and youll find in a minute, That it looks quite the same as before. The moral in this quaint example, Is do just the best you can, Be proud of yourself, but remember, Theres no indispensable man. Anon.
WHICH TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU??
Do not check below until you decide which category you are in.
1 A vain person 2 Amiable person 3 Proud person 4 Shy person 5 Impudent person 6 Scientific person 7 Unfortunate person 8 Nervous person 9 Honest person 10 Dishonest person 11 Foolish person 12 Thrifty person 13 Anti-social person 14 Strategic person 15 Intellectual person 16 Athletic person 17 Sadistic person 18 Miserable person 19 Sensitive person 20 aquatic person
DID YOU DECIDE WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE??
IF NOT GO BACK??
OTHERWISE LOOK AT THE ANSWERS!!
1. One who loves the smell of his own fart. 2. One who loves the smell of other peoples farts. 3. One who thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant. 4. One who releases silent farts then blushes. 5. One who farts out loud and then laughs. 6. One who farts regularly but is concerned with pollution. 7. One who tries to fart but Shits instead. 8. One who stops in the middle of a fart. 9. One who admits he farted but offers a good medical reason. 10. One who farts and blames his dog. 11. One who suppresses a fart for hours. 12. One who always has a fart in reserve. 13. One who excuses himself and farts in private. 14. One who conceals his farts, by loud laughter. 15. One who can determine the smell of his neighbours farts. 16. One who farts at the slightest exertion. 17. One who farts in bed then fluffs the covers over his bedmate. 18. One who truly enjoys a fart but cant. 19. One who farts then starts crying. 20. One who farts in the bath and then bursts the bubbles with his toes.
WOMAN
If you Kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you do not, you are not a man. If you Praise her, she thinks you are lying If you do not, you are good for nothing. If you agree with all her likes, you are abusing If you do not, you are not understanding. If you make romance, you are an experienced man If you do not, you are half a man. If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you do not, you are a dull boy. If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring If you do not, she accuses you of double-crossing. If you are jealous, she says it is bad If you are not jealous, she thinks you do not love her. If you attempt a romance, she says you did not respect her If you do not, she thinks you do not like her. If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait If she is late, she says that is a womans way. If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel If she is visited by another, Oh, it is natural, we are women. If you Kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you Kiss her too many times, she yells that you are taking advantage. If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it is just one of mans tactics. If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared at by others, she say that they are just admiring. If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk. Oh God! You created those creatures called woman So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable O LORD, TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AMEN. ???
WORD PUZZLE
Instructions: Each question below contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words. Example: 16 = O in a P - Answer - Sixteen ounces in a pound The answers are given below. Please do not look until you have tried to work out the answer. 1. 26 = L of the A 2. 7 = W of the A W 3. 1001 = A N 4. 12 = S of the Z 5. 54 = C in a D (with the J) 6. 9 = P in the S S 7. 88 = P K 8. 13 = S on the A F 9. 32 D F at which W F 10. 18 = H on a G C 11. 90 = D in a R A 12. 200 = D for P G in M 13. 8 = S on a S S 14. 3 = B M (S H T R) 15. 4 = Q in a G 16. 24 = H in a D 17. 1 = W on a U 18. 4 = D on a P C 19. 57 = H V 20. 11 = P in a C T 21. 1000 = W that a P is W 22. 29 = D in F in a L Y 23. 64 = S on a C B 24. 40 = D and N of the G F
ANSWERS TO WORD PUZZLES1. Twenty six Letters of the Alphabet 2. Seven Wonders of the Ancient World 3. One Thousand and one Arabian Nights 4. Twelve Signs of the Zodiac 5. Fifty four Cards in a Deck with the two Jokers 6. Nine Planets in the Solar System 7. Piano Keys 8. Thirteen Stripes on the American Flag 9. Thirty two Degrees Fahrenheit at which Water Freezes 10. Eighteen Holes on a Golf Course 11. Ninety Degrees in a Right Angle 12. Two Hundred Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly 13. Eight Sides on a Stop Sign 14. Three Blind Mice (See How They Run) 15. Four Quarts in a Gallon 16. Twenty four Hours in a Day 17. One Wheel on a Unicycle 18. Four Doors on a Police Car 19. Fifty seven Heinz Varieties 20. Eleven Players in a Cricket Team 21. One Thousand Words that a Picture is Worth 22. Twenty Nine Days in February in a Leap Year 23. Sixty Four Squares on a Chess Board 24. Forty Days and Nights of the Great Flood
END OF OFFICE HUMOUR PAGE